Sometimes I sit here during the day and think, “Damn. I hate myself.”
And then I’ll suspend my computer, go to my room, and curl up under the covers and think pity thoughts to myself until I eventually drift off into sleep, still feeling miserable and hurtful.
I’ve always condemned the idea of “depression” and such. In my mind, it’s foolish and immature to self-diagnose oneself as “depressed” because the only true depression that exists is the byproduct of chemical imbalances in the mind, which should be promptly treated with meds if necessary. Doctors do that sort of diagnosis, not moody teenagers who think their life is miserable. So no, I can’t say that I’m “depressed” some of the time.
It’s more like I’m just plain frustrated at how locked up and wasteful my life is.
I never go out anywhere to socialize. I think in the beginning my parents fostered this dislike of going out, my acquaintances nurtured it by not inviting me anywhere in the first place, and eventually it got to the point where I just said, “Screw it. I don’t even like socializing.” But just because I don’t like socializing doesn’t mean I don’t like to get out of the damn house every so often and… I don’t know. Take a walk around the neighbourhood? go shopping by myself at the mall? sit in the bookstore for an hour or two and read all the computing books? If I had more skills or talents, I would join an orchestra or choir and then I’d actually be involved in something again. Now that scifair is over, I feel like I don’t even belong anywhere, so of course I just keep to myself.
When I am actually at my house, the only things that I ever do are 1) web design, 2) Sekai no Melody work, 3) messing around with my computer, and 4) playing Stepmania. It’s not like there’s anything else that I really enjoy doing or see the point in doing. I had a novella in the works but scrapped that plan. I have no more motivation to do any schoolwork. So as of this moment, my life currently means nothing : So yeah, -this- is why I can’t wait to get into college so I can actually go out and do something worthwhile with my time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wallow in self-pity by taking another nap..
May 26th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Hey there, Miri. I know it’s been a while since we’ve actually had a conversation, but I thought of popping in and seeing how you were fairing.
I can understand that feeling. I often feel like that during long weekends and breaks. I find getting occupied in other activities really helps shake off that feeling. A change of environment does not hurt either.
I certainly hope things turn upside down and more exciting. I’m sure you’ll enjoy college too.
(BTW, I finally got a hold of my copy of the Dulhe Raha soundtrack. Do you still want me to rip out Akhiyon Se from it? I remember you asking me on LJ, but I’d like to double-check.)